Looking through my crystal ball - the footballing world in 2010

The Sloan School of Management is famous for the analytical rigor of its programs. After going through one semester of the MBA, do I say that reputation has been properly earned? Well, yes. It is MIT after all. Perhaps the most popular of the quantitative subjects is the first semester MBA core course, DMD. One of the topics we learned from DMD last semester was Crystal Ball Simulation. This is how Crystal Ball works (or how I understood it): you make assumptions that a certain incident and its consequence obey specific probability distributions, you run a particular number (n) of trials for that incident and its consequence over time period (t), you calculate the benefits/costs of each of the ‘n’ trials and generate a probability distribution of the cost/benefit differences based on the ‘n’ trials!! Confused, right? Hopefully you have a better life than me and don’t have to make sense of such balderdash!

Using my knowledge of crystal ball and understanding of the game, I have simulated how the world of football will shape up in 2010. I will like you to tell me what you think and please, do not take any of these forecasts personally. They are all about the assumptions and assumptions are like a***oles - everybody has one!

January: La Cote d’Ivoire finally win the African Cup of Nations that their talented squad has merited for the last four years or so, beating Cameroun 3-0 in the final. Samuel Eto’o is once again top scorer at this tournament, extending his remarkable record to 22 goals.

Meanwhile in England, Carlo Ancelotti is seen running naked in the snow strewn streets of West London, munching at a big, tasty humble pie. Why? Chelsea sign not one, but two players in the January transfer window. One of them is of course Sergio Aguero, who will go on to become the next Shevchenko at the Bridge.

February: No major incident

March: Man Utd win the Carling Cup, beating Aston Villa 2-0 in the final. Wayne Rooney scores both goals. In the same month, United are knocked out of the Champions League by a David Beckham inspired AC Milan.

April: Ciro Ferrera is finally sacked as manager of Juventus. Rumor has it that the job will be offered to Mark Hughes but nothing comes out of it. The club reach an agreement with Laurent Blanc to take up the vacant position at the end of the season. This is another important step by the Frenchman on his preparation to succeed Sir Alex at Old Trafford.

May: Barcelona make more history by becoming the first club to successfully defend the UEFA Champions League trophy. They however miss out on back to back league titles as Real Madrid pips them to La Liga. The other major leagues in Europe also come to a close and the winners are as follows:

England: Chelsea

Italy: Inter Milan

France: Bordeaux

Germany: Bayern Munich

Liverpool lose the final of the Europa League but get the chance to attempt again for the trophy as the fail to qualify for the Champions League. Man City wins fourth place in the EPL.

June: After what seemed like a lifetime of waiting, The World Cup kicks off in South Africa. In the opening match, the hosts surprisingly defeat Mexico 1-0. Over five hundred people are however admitted to the otology unit of the largest hospital in the world, after having their ears assaulted by the din of the Vuvuzela. FIFA finally get the sense to ban those cacophonous horns from the stadiums.

After fifty-six matches, the line up of the quarter finals is complete as follows:

France vs England

Netherlands vs Brazil

Argentina vs Ghana

Spain vs Cameroun

July: Spain win their first World Cup. Francesc Fabregas is voted the best player of the tournament and David Villa wins the golden boot. The next day, Florentino Perez announces that Real Madrid has finalized the $65 million signing of Villa from Valencia.

August: There is a flurry of transfer activity. Real follows the signing of Villa with the $55 million capture of Franck Ribery from Bayern, David Silva signs for Man Utd while Man City make a cast of expensive acquisitions from the Serie A: Maicon, Angel di Maria, Giampaolo Pazzini, Sebastian Giovinco and Ivan Cordoba. Liverpool also sign Alvaro Negredo from Sevilla, but the real story of the summer is the $80 million move by Fabregas from Arsenal to Barca.

September: Accra Hearts of Oak are finally awarded the Glo Premier League title, after several months in court. Asante Kotoko comes second but only after Kessben FC are docked points for fielding an unqualified player.

October: Roberto Mancini wins Manager of the Month in England. His Man City side sit pretty at the top of the table. Meanwhile, the scuttlebutt is that Roman Abrahamovic is less than pleased with Chelsea’s performance so far and is considering his options. We all know what those options entail.

November: Rafa Benitez is sacked as manager of Liverpool.

December: Barcelona continue to rule the world of club football as they retain the World Club Championship. Lionel Messi becomes the first player since a certain goofy toothed magician to retain the FIFA World Best Player award. Wayne Rooney wins the Balon d’Or and this audacious effort from Maynor Figueroa wins the distinction of goal of the year.

With that the year comes to a happy ending for all of us footie lovers. Unless, of course, you think I was drunk when running my models. In that case, I will expect you to lay into me.